Down for the day

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Otherwise known as Discontentment in Paradise

How can I be anything other than peachy when so many say I’m lucky just to be here (but can’t see all I did to get here)?  As if a pretty face would be enough.  Or in this case, a pretty view.  For better or worse, I’m not that shallow.  And surely, my friend, you’re deeper than that too.  Aren’t you?

Give me a minute.  I’ll try to get my thoughts together, at least in some semblance of order. 

Or just let them spill out randomly.  That will do, too.

Hang in there with me on this one.  I think you might relate.

I’ll start with the “down for the day” part. 

Here it is, a new week, and I’m trying for a new perspective, but not achieving the positive outlook I was hoping for.

Was wondering why I was so down yesterday, and still not quite sure as nothing is wrong, per se, especially when you compare my current state of affairs with the hard times, heart aches and traumas so many others are going through, or troubled times I’ve gone through myself. So what right do I have to whine?

Probably none.  But I’m going to do it anyway.  We all need some time to vent, don’t we?

As my honey reassures me, “You can’t be up all the time.  Not if you’re really living, feeling, observing, soaking in and an active part of the world around you.  Some things will bum you out.  Some days will be worse than others.  Some days you just wanna kick the cat…”  OK, so that last part actually came from a book by Zig Ziglar.  And no, anyone who knows me knows I won’t really kick a cat.  My three kitties can attest to that!

Anyway, sometimes I just don’t think the thing to do is fake it, pretend it is all ok, sunshine and bunnies, hunky dory and picture perfect.  Sometimes we need to get real, get mad, allow ourselves a day of being down in the dirt. 

And this pile of dirt I’m talking about now?  Well, I just realized I am exactly where I was, only with less. And I don’t mean a positive downsizing.  I mean, less to do, less work, less money (though larger debt), less identity, less going on, less direction, less sense of point and purpose, less sense of self and sense of giving and belonging.  Not a good place to be.  I’m not outfitting, not running the guest ranch business full time, not “really” mothering as my kid is grown up, not writing well as the manuscript has not sold yet so it’s hard to keep convincing myself it is all worthwhile.  I’m not really homesteading or even feeling at home as the home I’m living in is for sale, and we’re waiting to build anew. 

Yes, I know.  Look around and you’ll see some wonderful stuff.  Starting with and topping the list of course are Bob and Forrest.  I could go on with a hefty list, no doubt, but that’s not the point. I worked mighty hard and took more risks than most to make what I have possible, and still… I want more. 

Look around me and you might see many things that so many shallowly search for but aren’t willing to walk away from safe and secure to make happen.  As if they were handed to me.  Easy to think it was so simple if you don’t know where I came from.  We all have a story.  Came from somewhere.  And hopefully are going somewhere, too.  Where are you headed?  As long as it’s not the same place you were yesterday, for that place and space no longer exist. 

A friend puts it all into words I wish were mine:   “…Restlessness or discontent is part of the syndrome of our beings. I look for people who have achieved their “perfect” life..and wonder if they have compromised.  If they even know they have. Have they settled for less ?”

The human state of longing.  Is anyone ever fully satisfied, or is it human nature to want more?

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8 thoughts on “Down for the day

  1. Getting down is easy but getting up is not so easy .The other night while walking my dog with my wife a person that I did not know came up to us and ask are you the one who always drove the old Buick Regal & wore the brown fedora hat .When I said yes he said that he had seen me in the area for years and everyone he knew knew who I was but he thought my wife was taller .I told him what had happened & we sold the old Buick And I had lost my wife selleral years ago & Fely was my new wife .After condollances & congrats .we walked away .Fely is a good women and understood .But by the time we got home I was in tears .We talkes and she understands that we had to just go ahead into a future for us .She knows because she has lost two husbands and three sons .Like you money is tight but we have each other .The moral to the story is dont try and hide your down times just look forward and make the most of your good times .Like me you also have a very good partner in life to share everything with .Make the most of it .Life will be better .
    You Friend Don

    • Oh Don! Your note brought instant tears to my eyes – but not tears of sorrow. Tears of joy. Thinking of how hard it was, how down you were, having lost your wife, and how finding Fely brought you much healing, point, purpose… and well deserved love. To think of all Fely has been through too… Yes, it’s a package deal. Sweet and bitter times… Without which we may not find balance, and would live life skipping the surface of a deep and rich pool.

  2. Ginny, you are able to put into words what many of us sometimes feel, but somehow can’t bring ourselves to (or don’t know how to) articulate.

    And reading your words acts like a balm, as I see other posts have noted. For that I thank you.

  3. So much to talk about here but what I believe is that God did not make us to be content all the time. Well, sure, at times we feel periods of contentment but if we remain there too long we become stagnant and don’t, won’t grow. I believe we are made to strive for more, whatever that “more” may be. We’re all different so our longings and goals are varied but I don’t believe we will ever be fully satisfied in life which in a strange way makes it more interesting, not boring. And boredom is bound to be what we would experience if we were perfectly content every single hour of the day.

    Just like the hummingbird longing to land on the post that is already occupied. Soon enough he will get the chance to land as the other one gets bored (or hungry!) and takes flight. Then he will be content for a while but will want to go explore and see what else is in his world.

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