Ramblings… from a conversation with Julian of White Horse Pilgrim:

Have you ever found yourself drowning in your own thoughts? Your mind swirling and churning in crazy patterns making it almost impossible to stay afloat? Times like this I wish for calm waters, for simple psyche, level emotions, or at least the ability to focus and control my wits… I can’t say I have my mind mastered.

They are all good thoughts, almost all, just too many right now for me to make sense of. The move is almost overwhelming, just the logistics, as moves always are. We’re finishing a bathroom remodel, a horse trailer living quarters construction, cleaning up building material stored for years from all the projects here, giving the six rental cabins a good organization and shutting them down for the season, taking down storage sheds, tying up loose ends from the business we are closing and selling, hauling twelve horses and hay to our valley pasture and arranging to then haul them north… and packing, of course… in the beauty but somewhat inconvenience of a nice new coat of winter snow. All this with the goal of leaving Sunday.

We found a rural rental near a small but open minded community with a private stretch of river on one side and some wild mountains on the other. I’m always a bit surprised how many think “moving” means “giving it up.” As if I had enough of the country and am ready to move to town. Come on, friends… it’s me!

The move sounds refreshing on one hand, and shakes me up on the other – which isn’t always a bad thing, you know.

And it is just a stepping stone. I don’t know where we’ll go from there. This move just allows us to start. We were stuck here, in part due to finances, a big dept and not enough cash flow – unable to pack up and move out or buy another place. Finding the rural rental, complete with horse barn and heated shop and room to roam, was a stroke of luck, and I am really grateful. From there, we’ll have time to look around – find where we want to go next, what we want to do. And what will we do there? Worst case scenario, we can shovel snow and clean cabins. We’ve had plenty of experience with both.

I went through a similar move ten years ago. When I moved from the wild mountains of northern California, I heard time and again that I’d never find a place quite as beautiful. I didn’t at first. I had a terrible job with a horrid boss and found myself in the foothills where I always long to be in real mountains. But it brought my son and me here, and best of all, gave us Bob.

I don’t know what I am suppose to do with my life next, or where I am supposed to go. It’s a bit of a matter of trust. First, I must begin. Opportunities don’t arise when we’re sitting still. Start moving, and things start happening. This move gets the ball rolling. We’ll see where it takes us. I’m game to try, to trust, and to follow a new trail if it looks like it might be an interesting ride.

Now I will be 45 on Sunday, and still I have not figured what I should be or do “when I grow up.”

Part of it is planning, I know. But there is another part that is trusting – in what, I do not know – perhaps no more than circumstance and self. Trusting you will find what you are meant to do next, where to go, what to be.

Yes, exciting but scary, all at the same time.

That’s a good part of what’s been on my mind… really quite simple, you see, however then I begin to delve into deeper depths and consider life further, and things get really stirred up in that brain of mine.

Enough about me. I’m sorry – I allow myself to dive into the selfishness of this time of change and growth, but in reality I know there is much more of importance and little relevance to my thoughts.

Thank you, Julian, for listening, for sharing, and for allowing me the opportunity to try to clarify that which is still rather vague, but becoming more real. You are right: any time spent looking into one’s mind is not time wasted, but part of allowing us a richer life.