Standing Still Beneath Blowing Branches (Lessons Learned from Trees)

Standing still beneath blowing branches.

Lessons learned from trees.

~

old leaf in new snow

~

These are changing times.

Turmoil around, within.  I stand beneath budding branches, the promise of the continual struggle of life, and suddenly it all makes sense, or maybe nothing matters, and everything finds its place.  Can I let myself cry, selfishly, foolishly, like an innocent child so wanting comfort in hard times yet not knowing how to ask?

Late spring in the high mountains. I write from home on the edge of the Weminuche Wilderness, high and away in the heart of the Headwaters of the Rio Grande in Colorado’s San Juan Mountains. I am flanked by a hundred thousand acres of charred woods and a few hundred thousand acres more of dead standing beetle kill and Aspen fading and falling randomly. A forest full of kindling waiting to ignite. Finding new growth, green needles, sweet sap, life existing, tenaciously holding or ferociously fighting to survive.  Life is precious.

In all their simplicity.  Trees.

Go through it.  Let it out.  Tears fall like raindrops. Nourishment to parched lands and thirsty roots.    No one to hear them fall but the trees. Allow it. Breathe in, breathe out, standing beside a tree.

These are the wise ones. They carry not a passing fancy but wisdom of the ages.  Powerful, deep and rich. They make no loud claims, but hold their ground, tangled in their roots.  Powerless to the pretenses of our demands, greed and ignorance. Eternal, I used to think.

Here they have lost ground. We have been hit hard by the changes.  A sign of things to come, a premonition, or is this just a warning to heed?  Are we too late, and does it matter anyway?

Here our children’s children will never know the old growth through which I used to wander.

Even in their ethereal presence, this graveyard of barren branches, I feel them breathe.  I hear them sigh. Down deep if no where else than in their roots, the soil, the earth. That’s where life remains. And life will come again.

Standing on fallen needles and listening to the Wisdom of the trees.

Breathing in, breathing out, seeking the scent of fresh sap and plump needles. I have almost forgotten.

These are the lessons they teach.

Stand with me now, still and silent beneath bare branches of a seemingly lifeless tree.  Close your eyes.  In the wild spring wind, feel the remaining presence of these great beings.  Listen to their wisdom.

This is what we hear:

~

aspen in snow

~

The earth matters. Give more than you take.

You can’t control the seasons. Learn to let go.

You can’t rush the seasons.  Practice patience.

You can’t change the weather.  Stand tall in the rain and dance in the wind.

Storms come, storms go, the sun will shine again.

Be still and listen.

Be wordless.  (So hard for a writer to do.)  That’s where our truths are found.  (Write about them later.)

Everything changes.

Seasons come and seasons go.

Leaves fall and blossoms return time and time again.

Life stems where you least expect it.

Last year’s leaves are next year’s fertile soil.

Be willing to shed and grow again.

Be grounded. Grow your roots deep and strong.

We share the same soil. Our roots are connected. We are one.

Stand tall and strong, not hard and rigid.

Be flexible in adverse conditions.

Learn to bend in the wind.

Adapt.

Seeds blow in the wind – new life starts where you least expect.

Be willing to break new ground.

Don’t expect ideal conditions.

Grow where they least expect it.

Know you are never alone. Others will grow beside you, and together, you can create a forest.

Look around at others growing above and below you. Respect differences.   We need each other.

Provide shelter to those who need it.

Nurture indiscriminately.  Practice non-judgment.

Give what you can, and then give more.

Don’t take it personally, and you can’t change others.  All you can do is grow.

Allow the world to come and go around you.

Learn to let go.

Nothing lasts forever.

~

looking down to reservoir

~

 

 

 

Good News.

~

new growth on spruce tree

~

Wow!  We’re live on Amazon!

The Last of the Living Blue is available NOW– in paperback and Kindle. Amazing – three days ahead of schedule!

Okay, Reviewers: Now you can post your reviews!  Please, when you can… your help is so appreciated and truly needed.

And speaking of Reviewers:

Sammie has wonderfully offered to extend the opportunity:  A free paperback copy of The Last of the Living Blue in exchange for posting a review.  If you would like to take her up on this very generous offer, please write her at sammie@norlightspress.com, and be sure to give her your mailing address. Sammie is super – there are no strings attached – this is just a way of spreading the word, sharing, and generating more interest for a book we both believe in. Seriously, reviews do matter.  Please take the time to share and post.  Most importantly, I hope you read this new book, and I hope you love it.

I’m told you’re not supposed to get too attached to your work.  Too late.  I am.  It is a part of me.  It is my gift to you.

This one matters so much to me.  This one is for the trees…

Thank you all for your kindness and support, for reading, sharing, listening, inspiring… I am just so happy right now!  Thank you!!!

~

beetle kill

~

On a personal note.

~

ice on cinquefoil

~

Yes, it’s spring.  Exposed dirt. Not to say it’s thawed out.  Broken pipes aren’t easy to get to and digging a fresh outhouse pit through a frost line that goes down five feet…

Anyway, that’s what kept me busy and out of trouble when the sun was shining.  And now it’s not, and snow falls again.

And today, that which was exposed is covered again in white.

Right.  Spring. What should you expect here in the high wild mountains of Colorado?

Enjoy it while you can.  Before you know it, they’ll be a little less wild as the summer season unfolds and all the folks that come here to get away start to accumulate along with the miller moths, horse flies and hummingbirds pumped with sugarwater, and I am reminded that maybe the elements will always be easier for me to live with than people.

~

aspen in spring snow

~

Arbor day.  You plan on planting a few dozen trees because that is what you do.  Plant trees.

Going against nature, I am reminded, in this time of dead and dying, and we pick up a shovel anyway and dig a hole and carefully place in a new sapling.  You have to try.  How could you not if you love the land?  Look around and you’ll see the rein of the spruce tree has passed and the aspen have seen better days.  Let’s try Cottonwood, I say.  They say it’s too high and harsh up here, but it doesn’t take rocket science only a quick look around to get it.  Things have already changed. And I’ll bet you it aint over.

So go ahead. Give life. Give it a try.  Better than sitting around crying, complaining or pointing fingers.  There’s already enough of that.

So plant a tree.  Plant a dozen.  A few dozen while you’re out there.  Maybe they won’t make it.  Maybe a  few will.  But at least you’re out there trying.  I was thinking of this as I’m looking across river at a hillside of dead and dying.  Sure it will always be beautiful.  But there’s more to it than beauty.  I’m forever reminded of the shallowness of a pretty face when what I want is a deep connection.  With my trees, there is a problem.  Do I want to be so superficial and sit there with a stupid smile and say, “Well, gee… at least it’s still pretty.”  Turn my back and leave it at that. Or do I want to address the problem, look it in the eye and still love it?  Face the facts? Of course, that means finding out what the facts are first. Not always easy, but easier if we try.

~

gunnar before snowy pole mountain

~

A tease of open ground.  Slow to come, but spring of the land and soul inevitably arrive.

Now with the world white again, outside work is put on hold.  Inside I catch up on correspondence.

The lost art of letter writing.  If you write letters are you a writer? In this day and age when even talking on the telephone takes too much time and people just drop a text or twitter a line, I would say yes, indeed.  Some of those with whom I correspond clearly are writers (though perhaps unknown and unpublished), thus their correspondence is beautiful to read.  Those who shared and with whom I shared – you’ll know who you are, and I hope you know how you’ve inspired me. From the balance of my daily early morning ramblings with a friend a generation and a thousand miles but in both respects feel closer, as in right there, with me, sharing another cup of coffee… to people who I’ve never met and who have come to feel they know me through my writing and I have learned to know them through our letters … to my “extended” family in Argentina… sisters of sorts  for me – older and younger – one so grounded in her solid stance of silence and hard work and familiar dirt beneath her nails, to the other with a spirit in the air, a bit ethereal and ever stirring like the wind and just as suddenly she’ll breeze into your life and pick you up and take you on a magic carpet ride. So you hold onto your hat though really, you never even leave the sofa where you’re sitting to write.

And it is in this back and forth of revealing bits and pieces of our lives through words, giving, taking, sharing what we can and maybe a little more than we think we have but then we realize we have so much more – in this we find an unlimited pool of grace and gratitude and compassion within ourselves often left untapped. And through such correspondence do we learn to at the very least brush our hand to the surface and see the reflection is not just me but we. And if we are brave enough, we dive in.  (Or even slip in by mistake, but there we are, swimming in the silver pool and realizing the waters hold us up.)

Much of what I share with you is inspired by my conversations with them.  I share in turn here at best in hopes of inspiring you, and at the least, as reminders for myself…  For that’s what this blog means to me.  Two things, really. A way to reach out, share, open my world inside and outside and give of myself what I can – and a piece in progress, an inspiration for myself of work, word and image.  I hope this is okay.

~

norman in snow

~

On writing and the blues…

~

Once your first book is out, suddenly you’re an expert.  Of course this is not true.  I’m just as confused and curious as I always was, and probably always will be.  I’ll never be that know-it-all and let-me-tell-you-how-it’s-done type of person.  Though there are times I wish I had a little of that in me and believed in myself a little more.

Some things never change?

Anyway, what I read out there from authors who have “succeeded” (this too, of course being a relative term as we all define success differently) is expert advice and opinions.  I won’t go there.  But I will share a little personal insight, because that’s my way, what I write about any way.  Only now too I can share with you a glimpse into the insight of one insecure author whose first book is doing pretty well and is still having a helluva time getting the next ones out.  (When does it get easier?  DOES it get easier?)

~

cinquefoil over the river

~

They told me this might happen.  Like post partum depression, they said, but without the hormones as an excuse (though we women, you know, can always blame it on the hormones…).

They warned me I might feel deflated, vulnerable and over exposed.

They warned me that when the first book comes out, you start to see who really cares. Readers can be more supportive than family and friends who often are too terribly busy, and busier when you ask. And how beautiful when those dearest to you can prove to be so caring, like my husband who never was a reader before but manages to read most every word I put out there now.  Then there are those that suddenly don’t know you anymore, and certainly don’t have time any more. Funny how many just don’t have time. Just the reminder I need when I’m tired and think taking a day off would be the thing, then remember those who are waiting on my response and that matters more to me. And somehow giving more, being the person I want to be, treating others how I wish to be treated, ends up being the best treatment I’ve found for the blues.

They warned me that all those folks that only call you when they need something, and if they don’t need something, well, you’ll hear nothing at all – you won’t hear from them for a while.  It might be a little lonely, but as a writer, you need the alone time.

They warned me that things do change.  Oh I know, I said, things always change.  I just didn’t realize it would be this much.

The good news is that most people are primarily supportive of each others’ strengths (and weaknesses when need be), celebrate one anothers victories and pick each other up when we’ve failed.

We will all do both, won’t we?

~

willow branches

~

In the works… about books.

The summer book tour for The Color of the Wild will begin with a special event at Denver’s Tattered Cover historic LoDo location on June 12, 2014 at 7 pm as part of the Rocky Mountain Land Series.

Hoping to have book two close to ready for you to read by then, book three in the grind of editing, and that novel roaring to life.

In the meanwhile, I need to continue my marking efforts and asking you for help.  Okay, here it goes.  Please read it, buy it, share it, spread the word and talk about it:  The Color of the Wild.

For those who received review copies, another friendly reminder that review copies are shared for reviews.  If you haven’t shared a review yet, it’s never too late.  GoodReads is good, social media is great, Amazon is super helpful.  Write me and ask if you have questions on how.  I’m happy to help.

Oh, and on the 2nd and 3rd of May, there will be an author interview of yours truly posted on Indie House Books.

~

Now, time to get back to what I do best.  Better than marketing. Writing.  Have a good week, all.

~

spring creek in snow

~

In search of a living blue.

~

bleeding aspen

~

Allow me share this with you first, a minute of Book Business since that’s what seems to be consuming the majority of my time right now.  And then come with me, back to the mountain…

~

The Color of the Wild is almost a week old.  I still haven’t seen a hard copy.  I understand it’s beautiful, and have the publisher, Sammie and her team at Norlights Press, to thank for that.

Again, sincere thanks for all the reviewers.  Please keep them coming.  They also mean so much to me.

Starting today, GoodReads  is having a Giveaway for The Color of the Wild.   For those active on GoodReads, you know it’s a great chance to get a free copy.  The promotion lasts today through the 23rd.  If you’re a member of GoodReads, give it a try, even if you already have a copy.  You could always share one copy if you win another.  If you’re not a member, and you love books, it’s a pretty neat sight – I’m new to it, just learning, and definitely enjoying.

A  special note to Bookstores, Book Clubs and Libraries. Thanks to those who have expressed interest and inquired.  For all of you, and any others interested in carrying The Color of the Wild, please contact Sammie, the publisher, directly at publisher@norlightspress.com ; or give her a call at 1-812-675-8054 .

Everything you read tells you the Amazon numbers are the Big Ones.  But the numbers only matter so much to me.  What I’d like to see is people reading what I wrote to share,  and old fashioned as I may be, I still think a lot of those readers are finding their books at the local library and corner bookstore.  As it’s been three months since I left the mountain, I confess, I’m grateful for Amazon.

So, please keep the book in mind when browsing your local shelves, and ask for it if you don’t see it.  If y’all hadn’t noticed, I’m not a big name yet. (Gin Who?)   So they might not know about it otherwise.

Now, let’s put the Book Business aside and get back to the mountain…

~

dead needles 2

~

Muddy horses for the first time in months.  It’s early for mud season.

Big brown circles of fresh, wet dirt beneath the trees.  Odors I have not savored in months. Earth. Rich and raw.

The air is alive with song stronger than the coming of the spring winds.  Redwing blackbirds, chickadees, juncos, grosbeaks.  The Woodpeckers this winter here have been as plentiful as flies on a bloated carcass  Yeah, yeah, I know, that’s an exaggeration .

Lovely birds, but I know what their presence means.

Where there are woodpeckers there are bugs. The more woodpeckers, the more bugs. This winter has been good for both.  Not so good for the trees.  You can see it coming.  Or rather, now you know it’s here.  Hidden beneath the bark.

~

redwing blackbird

~

The thermometer reads 47 F (over 8 C) and I don’t know what to wear.  It’s warm.  It’s snowing.

I strap on snowshoes and hope the snow is too warm to stick.

A walk in the woods.  Or rather, a snowshoe.  The temperatures are unprecedentedly high and have been all winter up here but for the most part, our world remains white.  The blanket it getting thin. The only patches of dirt are on the south side of the cabin and exposed steep slopes.   The only dirt I step on still is three, maybe four steps with my snowshoes grating on rock and mud.

Thunder.  I’m sure I heard it.  A quarter mile later, I hear it again.  Ten thousand feet elevation, mid February, it’s almost fifty and still it snows.

~

slipping bark 2

~

In search of a living blue.

I’m on this photo safari looking for a live Blue Spruce for the cover of the next book.  I’m inspired.  A wild woman on a crazy mission.

At first glance, you’d think there they’re all over the place. A whole bunch of trees with blue green needles.  Right. Now take a closer look.  You don’t see these things from the airplanes flying over assessing damage nor from your truck window rolled up to the cold.

Yellowing of the needles on the lower branches.

Slipping bark.

New growth of mistletoe.

Pin holes  and dripping sap.

Needles on the snow.

And a pile of chipped bark around the base of the big ones.

You get good at it. Seeing through the last of the green to the tell-tale signs behind.  You get used to the yellowing color, like a child sick with fever.  And the slipping bark. As if the very core of the tree has given all it could to rid itself of the beetle and pushed its own life out in the process.  The bark looks loose.  I don’t know how to describe it.  Like a snake skin preparing to slough off.

You get used to seeing the signs and learn to find them fast.

I try to find a live spruce tree.  I’m not so sure I see one.

~

dead needles 4

~

I hope you’re still with me.  I wanted to share this with you.

Calm now, in the soothing comfort of remaining snow and silence.  The time of solitude remains with us, allowing us healing, the mountain and me. I rest, she recovers, my pain and fear are comforted. Life goes on. We adapt, adjust.  Find the beauty in the beetle kill, in the burn.

I want to walk in the burn.

I have not left the mountain since sometime in the middle of November.  I still do not care to leave her, but want to go down to her darker places, below the Dam, in the still long blue shadows and grainy snow that has not and will not set up, and post hole through and be out there, in there, with her.

I think I can handle it now.

The burned face of my beloved.

~

dead needles

~

An intimate view.

~

hike 9

~

An intimate view.

Stand here with me on the mountain, exposed to the elements.

Look closely.

A mid winter thaw.

Can you see it?  Feel it?

Little secrets softly revealed.

~

hike 1

~

hike 8

~

hike 7

~

hike 10

~

hike 12

~

hike 4

~

hike 14

~

A snowshoe breaking trail along the river in among the dying trees.  Well, I guess anywhere you go here, you’ve got dying trees now.  The New Normal?  I look to find the lighter side of… death.  Where?  How?  (See, I’m asking new questions.  It’s not just Why?)

~

Before & after (or still in between)

~

room with a view

~

today

~

Some of you are probably way ahead of me and have seen this one before.  (Where have I been?)

“We abuse land because we regard it as a commodity belonging to us. When we see land as a community to which we belong, we may begin to use it with love and respect.”  A great quote by Aldo Leopold from “A Sand County Almanac.”

~

I found my community, the neighbors I was seeking, the friends with whom I would belong, among the Blue Spruce.  And now I watch them leave me.

~

an old one

~

For the aspen behave like summer people, shedding their vibrant foliage as the tourist close their shutters and leave for the season.  Aspen are a shorter lived tree, averaging perhaps 60 or 70 years (without drought and warming trend).  Yet the spruce are harder to start, slower to grow, and once they get going, live one, two, three hundred years or more.  Usually. Now I watch the young ones die.

To hell with this damning death!  I’m turning my view to something full of life!

~

For those who read the article in Ranch & Reata and might just be wondering… This is Bayjura today.

~

bayjura and me

~

Some thoughts on horses.  For those who have chosen a life with horses.  And for those who wish they would, and maybe someday will.

Insight to the heart of a horse(wo)man.

A horse(wo)man is a different breed.

On one hand, she can move with a simple suggestion, a subtle signal, an animal weighing ten times more than she does. On the other hand, she’ll climb back in the saddle after being bucked off onto hard ground.  Once.  By the second time, she might be too mad.  (A good time to keep your distance or walk away.)

She acts not through force yet the horse finds comfort in her direction, not because she is sticky sweet, but because she is strong enough.

In her consistency, she creates trust; the horse becomes confident in her solid strength, and at the very same time, she becomes stronger because of the horse at her side or beneath her.

She has a sense of responsibility, beyond but not above daily care, continuing through all interactions and communications.  She works with a steady course and direction, for the horse chooses chaos no more than the handler.  It is an unnatural state for horse and horse(wo)man.

She strives to be the person her horse wants her to be. The gentle leader.  She leads with softness, clarity, point and purpose. Calm, consistent, clear communication.  Fairness.  Firmness. A balance of  confidence and compassion.  She is learning when to push onward; and when enough is enough.

Reminders for myself as well as those of you who are going through the mid-winter no-can-ride blues.

Don’t let anyone stop you if it’s your dream, but don’t expect it handed to you on any silver platter.  It is more than likely going to show up in the form of a manure rake.

Enjoy.  It is a wonderful life.

~

me and quattro when trees were still green

~

Within.

~

post 1

~

For a moment, I look within.  Not too long.  It can be scary in there.

Not out side, at the trees, the mountain.

For a change, I don’t look around. My eyes are closed.  My heart is open instead.

I’m sitting in a perfect circle of exposed dirt at the base of one of my favorite big old spruce trees just a little ways up the Ute Creek trail in the Weminuche Wilderness.  My back is pressed against the rough bark and my snowshoes stick up before me boldly on the ends of my outstretched legs.  Gunnar is beside me of course, sitting, on the look out.  I’m safe.

Forrest’s Throne, we call this tree.  Another one with a name. For the many times we stopped here, stared out over the Rio Grande Reservoir in all her seasons, and he rested at the base enwrapped in the bulk of aged roots.

I am sitting there now, thinking deeply about what Amy shared in response to my last post.  Wisdom, insight.  More welcome when it comes from a friend, a dear friend of the family as she has become, though none of us have met her yet.  Perhaps the words she shared would not have rung so true if I was not battling this concern within my mind already.  A confirmation.  Drilling it in.

On anger.

~

Answers come.

Less with mind than with heart.

~

Anger moves, motivates, and must be left behind.

A hot coal under my seat.

I jump up.  Put out the flame.  Set back and breathe again. 

Balance the flame of passion, of anger, of how to draw the line.

Whatever happens, please don’t let me fizzle out and turn lukewarm.

And don’t let me burn too bright I scorch, burn myself, turn you away.

Seek.

Try.

I will make mistakes.

As I will make love, and may make you mad.

Not intentionally, of course.

It’s just part of living life the fullest way I can.

At times, my heart acts stronger than my mind.

How does one find balance?

~

post 4

~

Anger.

It opens my eyes, but closes my heart.

My eyes are open.

Now, it is time to leave it behind.

~

Will you see a gentler me?

I’ll try.

Though as a friend visiting the other day said, there’s something about those Jersey girls. 

Can I use my “spunk” (his word, not mine) in positive ways?

Yes, I can.

Just watch what I can do.

~

post 5

~

Anger.

As a form of passion. 

Passion can be our greatest motivator and raison d’être.  

Or it can eat us alive.

Let it move me forward. But not leave you behind.

~

This is the message that came to me, Amy, in my walking meditation:

Get on the right path and watch doors fly open.

How do I get from here to there?

Step on board.

It’s that simple.

~

Move on.

Forward.

Positive.

Partner with the enemy.  (Your wise words, Amy, and those of Nelson Mandela.)

Just write and write well.

Show the intimate side of this situation. That’s what I can do.

Yes, leave the “why” behind. I am not a victim.

Turn towards the “what” and the “how” and the “where” and “when.”  Share what I see.  Be a part of the solution.

Maybe that’s why I’m here.

Stick with my path, share my gift, and perhaps you can use it, perhaps you will hear, perhaps it will help. And maybe it won’t. But at the end of the day, I’ll sleep better for believing at least I had the guts and grit (and spunk) to try.

To try.  To stand for what I believe in.

Without burning bridges.

~

post 3

~

Anger may be what got me started. 

I’ve started.  Now I can let it go.  Of the anger, not the path, not the movement. Anger will no longer bring me forward, only hold me back.  Leave those I care about behind.  That’s not what I really want, is it?

Let it go and replace it with… sharing my gift. Writing about the intimate view I have, I see, I touch and smell and taste and feel.  I am here for a reason.  Anger helped me remain here; anger helped me fight to be here.  I swear, if it were not for anger, I would be long gone by now.  It gave me strength when I needed it.  Now I own it.  I am here.  And it is time to leave that anger behind and move forward.

I don’t need to fight for it; Maybe I just need to listen to it now.  

Let me tell you what I hear.

~

Listen.

I’ll tell you what I hear.  I don’t need to say more.

Where?  Where will I go?  How will I get there?

Start.

Write.

Share what I see. Share what I feel.

Look deeply, write passionately.  Bleed, as Hemmingway said and we writers will do.  Bleed, I do like the trees with their sap.  Bleed to share the life, the beauty, the reality of the world I live in, we both care for.  Passionately.

~

post 6

~

Our weather comes from southern Cal.  The rest of Colorado may be watching the Pacific Northwest and the Great Basin, but here in the southern San Juans, we watch what hits Baja and get excited when they get rain this time of year. That means we’ll get snow. 

So, the continued California drought concerns us.  We’ve been in what some say is a twenty year drought.  Call it what you will. 

Every year we hope.  Every day we watch the weather and look for another Big One.  And as is typical for this region, more often than not, it isn’t there. It isn’t coming.  Though don’t get me wrong.  It’s hard to complain about blue skies and sun. 

~

post 2

~

Back to my snow shoe.  Trying to balance that anger, that passion; working with you, not against you and still shaking things up without turning my back or having  you turn your back to me.

I return home after feeling I found the answers only to see the news.  Fires on the north side of L.A.

So the positive? The answers?  The direction that I long for, I lust for?

I’m still working on it… back to square one… something to do with trust in the Earth, and belief in her eternal beauty.

Call me what you will: angry, passionate, or a Jersey girl. But I do have that.

Belief in eternal beauty of our Earth.

~

post 7

~

The last of the living blue.

~

the last of the mighty rio grande

~

White washed.

The snow mounts while the temperature drops.

~

yellow needles

~

The last of the living blue.

A live Blue Spruce. Vibrant blue green.

Have you forgotten the fragrance, the sweet sap, moist needles, the soft pastel color?

Now take a closer look.

Pin holes, running sap, slipping bark and yellow needles.

Another tree is lost.

The mountain across river, and the mountains as far as I can see from our little bit of paradise surrounded by a lot of wilds once were blue green.  Now they are red and grey. Oh yes, still beautiful.   I will always find beauty in these wilds, no matter what we go through together, how beat and burnt, stripped and stark, old and withered we both may become.

Some days it gets to me.  Today was one of those days.  Watching the next wave of dying trees lose their needles, lose their life.

Maybe you don’t see it. It’s easy not to see if you remain safe behind a desk, or just stop in the woods from time to time to take a look, and leave.  But for those of us who chose to live amongst the trees…

This is my community.

And can I do no more than sit back and watch through beetles and burning?

~

dead tree

~

And then there is hope.

Baby Blues.

A line of spruce trees barely taller than the snow is deep behind my cabin.

~

baby blue

~

Forget titles and stereotypes and labels and names your big brother has called you.  Instead I ask you this:  Have you ever hugged a tree?  If you haven’t, try.  A really big one that takes three or four of you to wrap around like a Giant Sequoia, or a Ponderosa with a vanilla fragrance when you bury your nose deep in the warm crevices of her bark, or the big old Blue Spruce with pokey needles and sticky sap that stays with you all day, or the soft sensual smooth skin of a Madrone wet in winter.

I used to get attached to trees. Forrest and I would name them.  Maps across the ranch and mountain, landmarks. You could plan your route around them, explain where you were, where you were going.

The last we named was Grandfather Tree.  He was dying a slow death by beetles.  We cut him down.  A loud crash on a quiet mountain and the scar of his big stump remains.  Now he will be a base log for our new home.  A Giving Tree.

~

bark 2

~

Gunnar and I cross the frozen river and listen to the whisper of the running Rio beneath.  My snowshoes stay above deep tracks of a bull moose who broke trail into the woods.  A tall, cold grave yard that still gives me comfort even in its empty embrace.

Snow already over my knees and the winter has not yet begun.

It’s not enough, this snow.  This won’t change the drought.  That’s what they still call it, you know.  A twenty year drought.  Not a change.  Oh, no.  Just a drought.

What will happen to this snow, sprinkled with dead dark needles to absorb the sun that now filters through the once dark canopy of tall stripped trees?

What will happen to these trees, these mountains of dead standing fuel no longer with a windbreak? What do you think their fate shall be?

~

needles on the snow

~

It’s a package deal.  The trees, the river, the rocks, soil, wildflowers and wildlife.  The cold white winters and blustery springs, monsoon summers and flamboyant falls.  This is the world I live in.

Yes, there are people too.  They come, they go, they take what they want and leave no more behind than the winds can blow away and the snows will cover.  Or maybe they do more.

It is for them that I write, though I try not to care, I do.  It’s a package deal.  People are a part of that package.

Because I want them to see what they cannot, do not.  So I share with you what I see.

~

sap and slipping bark

~

Look.

I have less of some things

More of others

Learning to let go of

identifying myself with

how many hours each day I toil

And still I must justify myself to you

for no longer

keeping myself too busy to think

Now is the time of

intentionally slowing down

Taking time to see

to smell and taste and touch and feel

And listen.

Yes, now is the time to listen.

Hear the shiver in the wind.

~

the rio grande freezing

~

The adventure of standing still.

~

picnic spot

~

Morning, warming by the fire, with coats and hats and mittens hanging, dripping, drying. Outside, the snow continues, amasses, piles a heavy load.  Just back from feeding horses. They  are worked up, snorting and running about because there’s a big old bull moose out there who doesn’t get that he’s not welcome.  Now safe and warm inside, I watch from the big south window at them milling around, but they’re still upset and won’t put their heads down to eat.  All but Norman, who has his head down and wastes no time on such silly things that the others can take care of.

~

Evening, warming by the fire, with coats and hats and mittens hanging, dripping, drying.  Just back in from a ski with Gunnar along the river, oddly still open and full and shiny black against the flat white landscape. Blurred lines in heavy snow. Soft silhouettes of geese, duck, hawk and eagle.  Now warming my hands and pulling out dry clothes before heading back out to feed again. And still it snows.

~

cabin this morning

 

~

Winter.  So far, so good.

A big one rolled in and has remains with us for days.  White sky, white ground, white on the horses backs, the dog’s nose, deep up to our knees.  The truck is out.  We are in.  Here with a deep winter world. 

The horses don’t particularly like it.  It’s a warm wet snow which is harder on them than a cold dry one.  It won’t last, but the next couple of days might be not fun.  They are grouchy, short of temper, snip and snap and one another.  I will not work with them now, but feed quickly, and walk away and wait for this to pass.

~

norman and cody

~

The adventure of standing still.

Remaining.

Time to write.

And to keep up with friends.

“A very simple life.  I make it full yet not stuffed and filled, if that makes sense.  Time to walk, think, write, watch the snow fall, and feel the cold outside then the warmth of the woodstove inside.  We all rate success differently.  I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone’s.  And still a creation in progress, as you too show me, life always is, always changing.”

~

steller's

~

“I need seasons.  Here, there, where ever.  I need that balance of time like putting your garden to bed, letting it be, fallow and dormant, and then reawakening after a deep slumber.  In summer I work.  In winter, I dream.  I know that’s kind of weird, and very extreme, but it works for me, and connects me more to the land.” 

~

geese along rio grande

~

“Professionally, as a writer, I do not know.  What is my responsibility?  As writers… what matters most?  A wonderful challenge presents itself. Truth or beauty? Responsibility, environmental concerns, social ethos, pathos, or simply… entertainment?”

Except for my love of my family and four leggeds, my love of the land is my greatest passion.  Unlike Mr. Berry, who said, “I have never not known where I belong,” I have spent a lifetime searching.  I have been on this mountain only a dozen years.  I tried to leave her.  I could not.  Now I watch her standing strong in this volatile time when the trees are dying – not just a few, patches here and there – but mountain after mountain after mountain in these great big waves that turn blue and green into red and brown.  And then I saw her burn.  A hundred thousand acres up to a few miles away from my front door.  Not much press.  Not much people around here.  Just trees.  And trees don’t scream. 

So… I’ll write.  (No, I don’t scream much.) I’ll carry the burden of the world we love because we are here, we see, we feel, we are intimately connected with the land.  And because the land can’t speak for herself.  Or maybe she does.  We just need to listen.

I’m no greenie, no environmentalist, in fact, I don’t want a label and don’t want to side up with anyone from behind a desk who likes to call me names.  Maybe mother, wife, horsewoman, fencer, builder, baker, cook and cleaner… Mountain Mama. That’s about it.

Now it’s time this woman wrote about what she sees.

~

gunnar in snow

~

Final thought to leave you with.

On aging. 

Forever looking forward.

When I was a little girl, I used to flip through the fashion magazines and say, “When I grow up, I want to look like that.”  By the time I was twenty, I did.

Now at nearly fifty, I see a picture of a beautiful, classy older woman, like Doris Lessing at 90, and still I say the same. 

“When I grow up…”

~

gunnar in snow 2

~

A quiet voice from a high, harsh mountain.

And yet today, she feels so soft.

~

snow ice rock branches

~